


Heartless

by lunaxx16



Category: Suits (TV)
Genre: Angst, Cutting, Depression, Drug Use, Drugs, Harvey Specter is Not an Asshole, M/M, POV Harvey Specter, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2017-06-12
Packaged: 2018-07-29 03:44:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7668817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lunaxx16/pseuds/lunaxx16
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harvey sees someone from his past. It strikes a nerve. It reminds him of times he tried to bury deep inside him. This all causes him to do some shit he wishes he didn't. Well the fact that he did those things is one thing. But the fact that he doesn't want to talk to anyone about it, that is what almost kills him.</p>
<p>May contain triggers, don't like, don't read.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fanfiction, please don't be to tough on me. I just began writing this, I don't really know where it is going, I have an idea but suggestions and feedback are always welcome. 
> 
> Also english isn't my native language so there might be some spelling mistakes. Sorry in advance ;)
> 
> This story contains self-harm and rape. This might be a trigger for some. Please consider this before you read.
> 
> All the characters are from Suits I don't own them. I do however own the plot of this story.

 

Things never got to him. Certainly the things he brought on himself. He would do them, regret it for half a second. Then he would remind himself that emotions just make him a weaker man. He shakes it off and moves on. This is how it has always been and this is what makes him a great lawyer.

So why is this time different?

Why?

He thought about going to dr. Agard again but then he remembered the last time. He remembered how she always managed to get in his head. This time that was the last thing he wanted.

He decided to keep his shit together and keep his shit to himself.

_~Two weeks earlier~_

_'_ Mike I need this deposition done by, well yesterday actually. Where the hell is it?  _’_

‘Look Harvey I am sorry okay, I just had some personal stuff to figure out and it just slipped my mind, it won’t happen again I promise’

‘Fine, just have it on my desk at the end of the day. Oh and Mike, don’t screw this up okay, this is really important’

‘Harvey come on, when have I ever screwed things up?’

‘Well, we could begin with this one time while we were interrogating a suspect. Oh and then there is this other time that...’

‘Okay okay we get it, can I please go back to work now? Jeez’

Harvey chuckles and walks to his office, things are looking up, they are making real progress with the case and he is sure that if he could just pressure the other attorney a little bit more…’

‘What are you looking so satisfied about?’

‘Also a good morning to you Donna. I would tell you, but that kind of takes the fun out of it so , well I won’t’

‘Your loss.’

The day went on by and so did the next until an entire week had passed.

Harvey and Mike were almost done with the case that they had been working on for so long. However, just when they thought they had won, the opponents pulled some ‘underhanded shit’ to blindside them. They brought in a new piece of evidence against Pearson Specter Litt’s client. Their client was being accused of sexual harassment.

‘Mike, I need to check out the person who made these accusations against his boss. See if this story has any grounds to stand in and I need to figure out how the hell we are going to get rid of it. ’

‘Harvey, what do you need me to do?’

‘Just sit tight, maybe you could look into the sexual assault laws to see if there are any bylaws we could use.’

‘Sure thing’

An hour later Harvey was waiting outside the building of his client. He was waiting for this son of a bitch to take his break and buy his coffee at the shop around the corner, as he was told that he does every single day.

After an hour he was tired of waiting around, so he decided that he would just go to the coffee shop and wait for him there, at least he could drink a warm cup of coffee while he was spending his precious time waiting for this asshole.It was getting cold, winter was coming and next time he was waiting outside for so long he should wear a warmer coat, but of course he didn’t think of that, he was in a hurry after all when he came here. Now he just wishes he had taken the time because in the time he had been waiting he could have gotten 20 coats.

He walked into the coffee shop and looked around to see if there was a free table anywhere. Also he did a quick look around to see if the man he was waiting for was hiding there somewhere.

Of course, he wasn’t.

Well at least now I get to enjoy a nice espresso. So he ordered and found a way to sit fairly comfortable on the wooden seats that looked like they dated before the time his grandmother was born.

He began looking around the shop to see what sort of people came here. It weren’t all business people but also people who supposedly lived nearby. He was just half way through the shop when one of the waiters brought his espresso, he thanked him and smelled the scent of fresh coffee. ‘Delicious, hopefully...’ he thought. The waiter was walking to the far corner of the shop so Harvey followed him with his eyes. There was a new customer there, he hadn’t seen come in. Maybe it was his guy. The waiter was taking his order and walked away. The man was bowed over a newspaper, so Harvey couldn’t be sure if this was his guy. He would just wait for him to look up.

Later he wished he had never gone to the coffee shop, but what was done was done and he couldn’t change it anymore.

The guy looked up, and looked Harvey right in the eyes.

Every nerve in Harvey’s body was struck, he froze and felt his heartbeat speed up. He felt as if he was going to throw up. His fresh cup of coffee slipped from his hand and fell into pieces on the table, leaving coffee everywhere. Harvey just couldn’t looked away, he felt dizzy.

It can’t be him

It just can’t

Calm down!

Breath.

Breath.

Finally he snapped out of his thoughts when the lady from the counter approached him to see if he was okay.

‘Sir?’

‘Sir?’

‘Oh eh sorry for this, here is your money, keep the change’

‘But sir…’

But Harvey was already out the door he didn’t dare look back to the corner of the shop. He walked straight to a red light, which resolved in a lot of angry shouting and him almost getting run over by a cab.

When he was 100 meters out he started to run, he ran as fast as he could. He ran as if his life depended on it. Until his legs just gave in and he had to throw himself on a bench nearby. That was when te nausea came. He had a split second to run to a nearby bin and throw up.

He felt emty

He was scared

But above all, he was ashamed

 

In the coffee shop there was a silence. Just the way the man in the corner liked it. He gave the lady at the corner a few dollars and left.

With a grin on his face.

  



	2. The beginning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is going to be the second chapter. Here we see a young Harvey and Scottie right before they leave for Harvard.  
> It reveals more about Harveys past. And about how this whole mess got started.

_Twenty years earlier_

 Highschool sucks. It is just a builiding full of people that share nothing but the same hate of the building that they are in. At least 90% of what you learn, you never use. But what makes i so irritating is that it is important, because you need the piece of paper you get at the end.

17 years has he been walking this earth, but never had he felt more free and happy the day that he walked out that door with that piece of paper in his hand and his pretty girlfriend at his side.

They had only been dating for about two weeks. But he knows that she is something special. Scottie is her name. They met during the introduction week of Harvard Lawschool. The school that they will be attending in the next schoolyear. But first, they have the whole summer to party and do everything a 18 year old does in the last summer before becomming a man (or woman for that matter).

Tonight he was going to celebrate at Scottie´s house together with her family.

 

So when they finally arrived he was a little bit nervous. After all this was his first time that he met Scottie´s family. He stepped into the room and greeted her parents. They were nice and told him that he should consider this his home as well because he was practically family. Personally he thought that they were maybe moving a little bit to fast because he was only dating her for 2 weeks and he never met them. But it made him feel comfortable so he was gratefull that they trusted him.

A little bit in the back of the room he felt a pair of eyes staring at him making sure that they didn´t miss an inch of his body. He stared right back at them and found a young man, probably 5 or 6 years older than him standing there. He walked over and greeted him.

The posture of the young man was quite hostille and the words that came out of his mouth weren´t so friendly either.

´So here you are. I have heared things about you. But they don´t all seem to be true. I don´t care what my parents say but if it was up to me I would never let you consider this your home and … ´

´Ah Harvey you have met my brother I see. Harvey, Reginald. Reginald, Harvey. Now don´t be to tough on him will you Reginald? Come lets see what mom made for dinner, it smells delicious.´

Scotty walked away, just when she was out of hearing distance Reginald said.

´Watch it Harvey, this is my place´

The dinner passed by, but Harvey noticed how Reginald kept looking at him like he was some sort of prey. Harvey felt nervous and couldn´t quite concentrate on the conversation. When they were done eating Harvey wen´t to the kitchen with Scottie to help do the dishes.

´What is going on with you Harvey? You seem distracted. What is wrong? Don´t you like my family? I know that my brother can be though sometimes and mother talks to much but give them time. They aren´t used to all of this you know.´

´Ńo, no, Scottie that is not it. I like your family, they are sweet and they made me feel welcome. I just, i have some things at home and I need to do so much work before I go to Harvard. I mean, all those pre-assignments. ´

´I get it, I have the same. But what if we do them together? Why don´t you come back at my place tommorow afternoon, so we can work on it. I mean if you want to ofcourse.´

That is sweet of her to say of course, he thought. But if he came back tommorrow that meant that he would have to be avoiding all those glances from her brother. But what the hell, they would be in her room all the time anyways. And maybe this was his change to, how to put it? Spark up their relationship, if you know what I mean.

´Sure thing Scottie, I would love to. I do have to go now because it is still an half hour drive to my place and I told my parents that I would be home before midnight.´

´Of course, I will see you tommorow´

´See you!´

 

So the next day Harvey turned up at Scottie´s doorstep with an entire bag filled with pre-assignments for Harvard. Scottie opened the door and let him in. It was quite inside.

´Do we have the house to ourselfs?´ Harvey asks.

´Yes, in fact we do.´ Scottie says it with a devious smile.

´So lets go upstairs then?´

´Sounds like a plan to me.´

I am not sure if there is going to be much studying this afternoon Harvey thought. And he couldn´t be less wrong.

 

The summer passed by and before the knew it they only had two weeks left before going to Harvard. That is when things started to go south.

 

The entire summer holiday Harvey has been trying to avoide Scottie´s brother, Reginald. This only worked half of the time. The other half he was being looked at as if he was a delicious meal. Or he was being bullied or pushed. Of course this all happened when no one of the family saw. I mean he couldn´t tell Scottie could he? She would never believe him and if she did than it would break her heart. She always kept telling him that ´he might not seem nice but if you get to know him better you´ll see he is okay´ or ´He has always been a good brother to me, he loves me and this family, he just doesn´t see that you are a part of it yet´. So one day he just gave up. He really started to have real feelings for Scottie. He always had commitment isues because of his mother but this time it was different. He started to see how his dad could fall in love with someone so fast. This never happened to him, not to him. But somehow it did. He just didn´t want to lose her over some stupid thing he had going with her brother.

 So he manned up and decided not to fight it. To just take it as a man. For his sake and the sake of his relationship with the woman he actually loved.

There,

he said it.

He loved her.

 

So he was very excited the day he came to her house to bring her the news that they were placed in the same building together at Harvard. That they would only be living 2 meters apart, because he managed to get the room across the hall from hers.

When he rang the doorbell he almost wanted to shout ´I did it!´. Just to swallow the words in time to see that it wasn´t Scottie at the door. In fact it was Reginald.

 ´What are you doing here? You shouldn´t have come here again, you piece of shit.´

´Ehm, hey Reginald. Is Scottie there?´A complete failed attempt to ingnore what Reginald just said.

´No my sister is not here, she is out shopping, she will be back in 30 minutes. You can come in and wait for her if you want.´

Overwelmed by the sudden niceness of Reginald, Harvey decided to take that offer and he stepped inside.

Reginald shut the door.

And locked it.

 ´Wait, what are you doing?´

Harvey suddenly felt the feeling coming over him that this was going to end very bad. He wanted to leave,

now.

´Well, you see asshole. I have watched you violate this house long enough. With your slick hair and your perfect ironed clothes. You see I don´t care if you love my sister or if you don´t but I will never forget what you did to me 5 years ago.

 This does not make any sense. What the hell is this guy talking about?

He had three options:

  1. Run like hell and hope that the backdoor isn´t locked
  2. Hit reginald in the face so hard, that he had all the time to unlock the door and get out
  3. Bullshit his way out of this, as always



He decided that option three would probably be the safest, if it didn´t work, he could always try option one or two.

´Í have litteraly no idea what you are talking about´

´Oh you don´t? Does this maybe refresh your memory?´

Reginald hold up a mop.

Suddenly it all came flashing back to him.

 

He was a first year, he had Math but he needed to go to the bathroom. The schoolrules didn´t allow bathroombreaks. So when Harvey bullshitted his way out of class, to go to the bathroom anyway he found the bathroom completely empty. Not bad, I should do this more often. When he walked back to the classroom he heared something. He wasn´t sure what it was. It sounded like panting and some muffled noises. He looked around to see where it was coming from, and thought he heared it coming from the jainitors closet. He walked closer and the sounds became louder. It almost sounded like there was a struggle going on inside. He decided to take his chances and opened the door.

 He found two senior years struggeling, both male. One was trying to kiss the other. But the other man clearly didn´t want to.

´This is how you are going to repay my debt, now kiss me or I will tell everyone about your little problem down south. You do remember I have pictures right?´

´Please Reginald, look I am sorry, please don´t do this.´

´What is going on in here?´. Harvey knew the second that Reginald looked at him, that he made a mistake. He shouldn´t have stick his nose in business it didn´t belong. And it certainly didn´t belong in this mess.

´Nothing you little prick get out of here before I make sure that pretty face of yours isn´t gonna be so pretty anymore´

´Okay look I am sorry I didn´t mean to cause any trouble. I just heared some wierd sounds coming from here. I will just go now. ´

´You´d better. Oh and don´t tell anyone about this okay? This will be our little secret. Between the three of us. Because if you don´t I will find you.´

Harvey backed away, but he knew he had to do something. He couldn´t let the poor boy be raped in there.

 

So instead of going to class, he went straight to the principals office.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I wrote that pretty quick. Hopefully you like it! Don´t be shy to leave comments with feedback and critisism!


	3. The pain

 

 

How could he miss it?

How could he not have seen?

 

‘Ehm listen Reginald, this was 5 years ago. I mean, I am sorry but is this really necessary’

‘You got me kicked out of school. I had to start again. Without friends, without anyone to talk to. Don’t you understand? You ruined my life! I am alone because of you!’

Shit, how did this happen? How could he be tricked into this mess. For the first time he regrets what he did five years ago. But that isn’t fair, he only regrets it because he begins to see the consequences. He did the right thing. Right?

‘I said I am sorry, can you please let me go? I didn’t mean to get you expelled. I am really sorry that your life turned out that way.’

‘Bullshit! You were never sorry, you did it on purpose. You sick son of a bitch. How does it feel, ruining someones life?’ Reginald was shouting and near tears.

‘You don’t understand, at my new school I was bullied, I was the outcast. I never was the outcast. They got the better of me. For five years I tried to get out of that hellhole. I tried to escape, to get expelled. And when that didn’t work, I gave up. I gave up living. And now, I will make you feel the same. Make sure that you will never be the same again after you walk out of this house. Make sure that you will feel how I felt for five years! The shame, the pain, the doubt. I will make sure that your will to live is gone. And after, all you can do is crall back to your house and hope that it will soon be over.’

 

Harvey panicked. He thought he would be beat up, get a few bruises and walk out of here. Lie to Scottie and then live happily ever after at Harvard. However it sounds like his captor has very different plans. Harvey’s fantasy runs wild. What if he? No he wouldn’t right? I mean he saw him kissing an other man five years again, so what would stop him now? No. That wouldn’t happen. What if he just went with option one. Run like hell.

Run like hell.

 

Harvey ran. While he was running he knocked over a antique vase of Scottie’s mother which fell to the floor with a loud noise. But Harvey barely noticed it, all he was thinking was to get out of there. He was almost there, he could almost touch the backdoor when suddenly a big force smashed into his back, knocking him to the ground. He hurt he head against the doorhandle of the backdoor. He tasted the blood that poured out of his nose. He didn’t see straight but he felt how Reginald sat on top of him. He saw his face dancing before his eyes. And took a swing. It was pure luck but he managed to hit Reginald on his jaw. It wasn’t enough though, Reginald was distracted for a split second but managed to stay on top of Harvey.

‘Ouch, what are you thinking? That you can just hit me like that? Oh believe me when we get started, you don’t even want to hit me, you will be begging for your life... Now go to sleep.’

Harvey wandered what he meant with those last four words. He found out soon enough. He saw something big heading for his temple and suddenly everything went black.

 

What happened? He felt a sorring pain in his lower back. He tried to open his eyes, but he felt so weak. He felt as if a dozen horses trampled him. He was cold. Why was he cold? He tried to move his hands, he managed to move his fingers and later his whole hand. His hand went to the place that hurted the most, his back. When he didn’t feel any clothes he panicked. What happened, where are his clothes. He felt his legs and his head, but there was nothing. He was completely naked. He tried to give more attention to where the pain was coming from. It was his back, but not on the outside, he was hurting on the inside. Like someone split him in two. He went to the place were it hurted the most. He felt something warms and wets. He managed to open his eyes.

Blood.

Everywhere.

He was lying in a puddle of blood.

Was it his? It would explain why he had so much pain and why he felt so weak. Wait, what if he lost to much blood, he had to contact someone he had to, he didn’t know, what did he have to do?

Phone. Yes a phone he had to dial 911. He tried to look around to see if he saw a phone somewhere. There next to the sofa. He tried to get up, but all he could do was crawl. So he crawled to the phone. It felt like someone had pushed a knife in his gut and twisted it. Every inch it got worse and he almost passed out. But he was almost there, he had to make it!

 

‘Where do you think you are going?’

He heared that voice somewhere. It made him feel sick.

Shit, he remembered. Reginald and this thing that happened five years ago, him kissing this guy.

 

Oh my god.

The blood.

He got raped.

Did he?

 

A sudden sickness came over him, he didn´t dare look back at him. He had just been raped by a man. Everything in his body hurt. And the worst part?

It wasn´t over.

 

´I asked you a question… Where do you think you are going?´

He tried to speak, but the words never reached his lips. His mound went completely dry. His throat felt like sandpaper. He just wanted to get out of here and forget. Like he always did.

Finally he refound his courage to speak.

´I, I, nowhere.´

´Yes that is what I thought. Well, don´t try to bail on me now, we are just getting started. The family is out for the day and we still have two weeks left. Lets have some fun!´

He knew that he would never forget that grin on Reginalds face. The look in his eyes. His voice. Somehow he knew that he would never be able to forget. That he would be scarred forever. Unless he found a place to bury it deep inside. He also knew that just like a volcano, the deeper it is buried the heavier the outburst. He just hoped he would never live to see that day.

Actually he hoped not to live at all.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not a very long chapter. I decided to leave out what happened the next two weeks because I will be revealing pieces of that in the next chapters. So be patient ;)


	4. The memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah its been a long time... But i just started rewatching Suits so I got some new inspiration. Sorry it took so long!
> 
> ~Luna

He tried to stand up, but he felt so lightheaded, as if his brains just melted on the spot.  
Okay he had to analyse this. That is where he is good at, rationalising.  
It was him, No doubt about it. But why would he turn up in the coffee shop? Was he there for him, or was it coincidence? It had to be! He escaped that life a long time ago. He got out, he forgot. Why did this happen? Why now? He tried to forget but he couldn’t. Reginald’s face kept going through his head. And he felt the naussea and dizzyness again. He felt his lungs being crushed. He couldn’t breath. 

He threw up again…

Come on, get your shit together! How hard could it be? Just put the feelings where they came from: deep inside. He stood up and managed to walk to the subway. He had ran a pretty long distance, and he just felt like taking the subway, he didn’t trust that his legs would take him back without giving in. Also he wanted to avoid the Coffee shop, before more panick attacks occured. 

Okay, just take it slow.

He really tried, but he just couldn´t stop his mind from wandering back to those awfull two weeks twenty years ago. How everytime he stepped into that damned house he was on the brink of getting a panic attack. Of how sick he felt each time he saw Reginald. He wanted to tell someone, anyone. But he couldn´t, he loved Scotty to much, she would never believe him. She would think he was a disgusting liar who made all these things up in his head. How could he live with that? But he couldn´t live with this either.

Then he thought back to that first day, the day he first got raped by Reginald. He remembered waking up in the puddle of blood at 11:00 am, while he had entered the house at around 9:30. The family would be away until ten in the evening, which gave him another good 7 hours alone with Reginald, and it would give Reginald time to clean up. When he realised that, still trying to think about ways to distract Reginald and to get to the phone, he knew it would be the longest 7 hours of his life. And oh boy was he right. 

And just like that, this thing popped up in his mind. Something he hadn´t thought about in a very long time. The only thing that gave him relieve in those seven hours and the next two weeks to come. 

The broken vase.

Well more like the shards of the broken vase.  
He remembered that during the third session of the first day, he was lying on the ground just near the broken vase. One moment the pain got too much and he spasmed heavily with his arms. Cutting himself on the shards along the way. He remembered how good it felt the have a distraction from the actual pain of the raping. That he could feel pain that he inflicted himself and not someone else. 

So just like that he started to cut his arms on the shards, first by slamming his arm into the pieces of ceramic on the ground, when this was getting to easy, he took a shard and he would dig it into his arm, making small cuts. It distracted him from what was going on just inches away.

Ofcourse the next couple of days the shards were gone, thrown in the bin most likely. So he would bring something of his own. A razorblade of a sharp rock, something that could easily be concealed. One time he tried to cut Reginald in his throat, but it didn´t work, Reginald was always to strong for him. Apart from that Reginald began holding a knife, to make sure that Harvey couldn´t do anything. He would threaten to kill him if he told anyone about this.

While he was sitting in the subway, he felt the urge of feeling that pain again, that wonderfull distraction. He knew he shouldn´t and he hadn´t done it in a very very long time. But he just couldn´t deal with this pain right now, with this fear. 

He took the rest of the day off, he walked across New York, and tried to get his thoughts straight. At least he couldn´t face Mike or Jessica or Donna right now. They would just have to wait.

He got back to his apartment. He had decided that he was bigger that this. That he was a grown man and that he was able to deal with his problems without endulging is such a childish act as hurting himself. 

He poured himself a scotch and sat down. He looked at the kitchen and it was as if the chef´s knife was calling to him. 

No. He wouldn´t.

He went to bed, tommorow it would all be better. 

It was 22:00, a lot earlier that usual, but it would have to do.  
But laying there alone in his bed wasn´t much easier. He started having these thoughts again, and the fear was worse in the dark.  
He looked at the clock 0:00.  
He tried to sleep. He thought two hours had passed when he looked again: 0:20.  
What? How? He just wanted to sleep.  
When the clock striked 3:00, he couldn´t take it anymore.

He walked to the kitchen and got the knife. He placed it just an inch under his elbow and pressed down a little bit, slided it to the left and he saw the blood appear. It wasn´t much, but for tonight it was enough.

He felt relieved, like as if a building was just lifted off his shoulders.  
He gave his thoughts a place, right there in that line on his arm.  
He could go to sleep now.

Tommorow he would have to face his colleagues.  
Yeah that was going to be a shitstorm...


	5. the hiding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, sorry for kinda abandoning this fanfic... Well I am back now, but for how long? No idea... I have my final exams in a couple of weeks, so i ought to be busy with those ;)

He took the subway that day, offcourse he could have Ray drive him anywhere he wanted. He was not a ´subway´ kinda guy. But desparate times call for desparate meassures... He needed to think, by himself. He could ofcourse walk, but he was not THAT desperate. So the subway it was. 

When he walked down the stairs to the underground platform, he sensed something, but he couldn´t quite put his finger on it. He looked around, yeah the homeless guy was still there and the woman selling papers. Then he realised, there weren´t many people, you know the usual people who hang out at the subway, like te homeless guy and the woman, but maybe only a handfull of others... This was Manhattan, a busy part of Manhattan for gods sake... Where is everyone?  
Was it some sort of holiday he totally forgot? Maybe.  
While he was thinking this over the train arrived. Still with his mind occupied he got in and sat down.  
Suddenly he realised that there was no one. What the fuck? It was to late to get out, the train was already moving.  
Then it stopped. The lights flickered. This went on for several minutes, all those minutes Harvey was pinned to his chair. He could feel the little hairs in his neck stand up. Something wasn´t right. Then the light of the train went out. All that remained were the safety lights in the tunnel. But the glass of the train was so dirty that only a little of the light came in. However it was just enought for Harvey to se the shiloutte standing there, in the dim light of the subway tunnel. He couldn´t see a face, but he didn´t have to. Just his smell was enough to make Harvey sick to his stomach.  
And then, there he was. Standing in the dim light of the subway tunnel.  
Reginald.

Shit, fuck. Harvey tried to stand up but he was paralyzed. Reginald walked towards him.  
He really should run.  
Instead, he did nothing.  
Reginald undid his belt.  
Well he was fucked now (kinda literally actually)  
He tried to scream, but all that came out of his mouth was this wierld gorgle sound. Who would hear him anyway? He was eight meters below ground in a empty train in a deserted subway tunnel.  
Suddenly reality hit him, he was going to be raped again.

Fuck.

Harvey sat up, completely drenched in sweat. His entire bed was soaked.  
He was breathing like a dying horse.

Okay, get your shit together.  
Just breath.  
He started feeling dizzy.  
Insinctively he went with his hand to his right arm and dug his nail in the cut he made last night. He came back to earth again. The pain brought him back. When he finally managed to get his breathing under control, he realised what had happened. The coffee corner, Reginald, the panic attacks, the cutting, the nightmare. Oh for fucks sake, why did this happen? Het thought that after all these years he managed to escape his past. Well, he didn´t, Reginald was back, god knows why and he started cutting himself again. Something he promised himself he would never do again.  
Well it was just a small cut to be honest, nothing big. Could go through as a cooking accident, or shaving or something. Speaking of cooking and shaving, he should get up, shave and make breakfast, he had work today. He didn´t want to offcourse, but he needed a distraction.

So he got ready. That was the easy part about his job, he always had to wear long sleeves, so nobody would find out.  
He called Ray to pick him up at nine, he was already late, but he would make up some excuse about this hot blond girl he met last night.

In the car he talked with Ray, like they did every morning. Not very difficult talk, just small talk, but it was nice. For a moment it felt as if nothing had happened. He felt normal and convinced himself that he would go to work today, forget this whole thing happened and he would just go on with his life.

When he got to work he tried to act as normal as possible, which he thought he did a great job at. No one would notice, well maybe Donna, but she took the week of because her best friend got married in Hawaii, lucky girl. Gretchen was there to fill the empty spot, she wasn´t Donna ofcourse, but she was a outstanding secretary.

When he got to his office he found Mike waiting for him.

Oh boy, here we go.

He put on his mask and went inside. ´Ǵoodmorning Mike´, ´morning Harvey, where have you been yesterday? Well and this entire morning actually. We have so much work to do if we want to defeat them in court thursday´ ´What day is it today Mike?´ Mike just stared at him in awe ´Ehh I mean it is tuesday...´ still looking at him in disbelief. ´I am just kidding mike, I know it is tuesday and i know that we have a hell of a lot to do´. Okay so to be fair, he had no idea that it was tuesday already, he should have known, but he just didn´t somehow.  
´Well lets get to work than!´

They worked the whole day, Harvey continuously trying to avoid Mike´s question about where he was yesterday. He was actually succeeding pretty well. He still had to come up with a good cover story. Just when Harvey thought he had survived the day and he was walking to the elevator with Mike to get something to eat, Mike said to him: ´You still have to tell me where you were yesterday´. Yeah okay, there was no bullshitting his way around this one...

´Well, I was looking for our client at his usual coffee place and while I was waiting I recognised one of my old highschool friends, hadn´t seen him in ages. He recognised me as well, so we started talking about the good old days and before I new it we spent the day together. I know it kinda was a bad time to catch up and all, you know with all this work we had to do, but I  
hadn´t seen him in forever and it felt kind of wrong skipping out on him like that.´

Wow, that went well.  
He just twisted the truth.

´Ah, I understand Harvey, everyone needs a social break every once in a while...´

And that was it, the topic was off the table

or so he thought...

In the elevator down, there was this perfect silence, but then Mike broke it by saying: ´How long is he in New York?´, ´Who?´, ´Your friend offcourse, I´d like to meet him, see with who you hang out in the "good old days"´. Why Mike, why? ´Oh well, I don´t know, I didn´t ask him unfortunately. Don´t have his phonenumber either...´. ´Ah, thats a shame´ Mike responded.

So yeah, then it was of to diner, Harvey wasn´t really hungry. He hadn´t eaten the entire day, but he just couldn´t get anything through his throat. So when Mike offered to go to his favorite steak restaurant he had to politely decline with the excuse that it was already getting late and he had a lot of work to do, so they should just eat a hotdog to go. Mike looked dissapointed for a second but agreed. Mike then offered to go with Harvey to his appartement to work some more and order Thai or Chinese. Harvey normally wouldn´t refuse such an offer, but then again, he had put a lot of work in keeping his guards up the entire day and he just wanted to get home and shower and let the walls come down. In addition his flat looked like a hobo lived in it because he didn´t feel like cleaning up yesterday, the knife was probably still on the counter and the scotch he didn´t finish last night.  
Yeah, no not a great idea to invite Mike over, but the big question was how to get out of it? ´Look Mike, I really like the idea, its just that it has been a long day and I really feel like I just need to sit down, take off my suit and not worry about any guests. I am sorry, normally I would say yes, but it got pretty late last night with that friend and I am just exhausted.´  
´Hey no problem, I know that feeling. Guess I see you tommorow then?´ ´Yeah see you later Mike!´

He watched Mike walking away and felt guilty. He just realised that he let the whole situation affect him and the choices he made. So he failed in pretending like nothing happened. Man, why does this get to him this much? It happened. A long time ago. It wasn´t as if it was happening to him again. I mean, okay he saw Reginald, in a city with more than eight million people. He would never see him again. So just calm down, get your shit togehter. 

He started walking towards his appartment, he would have to call Ray eventually, because it was about half way across Manhattan, but well he needed the fresh air. So he walked on thinking about what happened twenty years ago and he felt sad again. Well, not sad actually, just kind of empty. As if all the emotions were sucked out of him and he was just this empty shell. It was the exact same way he felt during those awfull two weeks with Reginald, and the feeling was so strong all of a sudden that it shocked him. He felt a panick attack coming up so he stopped and sat down. He tried to controll his breathing. He looked where he was, he was sitting on a bench near Central Park and across the street there was this coffeecart that seemed all to familiar. Oh boy he hadn´t visited that coffeecart in a very long time. Behind the coffeecart was a man, well not just any man, the legendary coffeecart guy. This guys specialty had absolutely nothing to do with coffee, it was a green herb that was very illegal. Oh man, how he needed that right now.  
Before he knew it he was fantasizing about smoking some good marihuana in his appartment tonight. Sounded like a plan! He hadn´t done that in a very long time, he was against using drugs, sure, but desperate times call for desperate measures and at least it was better that seeking his relieve in using the knife again.   
He stood up from his bench, crossed the street and asked in his most badass voice, ´Can I get the specialty please?´

This was going to be a good night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please feel free to leave comments, oh and ideas for the rest of the story are welcome! What do you want to read?


	6. The Using

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally done with my finals. Trying to get some new inspiration for this fanfiction. Found out that a lot of the songs from the band ´The Fray´ give me inspiration for this fanfic. The title was inspired on their song ´Heartless´. I hope you guys like it! This chapter is yet to be continued.

So, there he was, sitting in the back of a limo with his personal driver.  
Him, Harvey Specter. He felt the drugs weighting heavily in his pocket.  
Was this a good idea? He could lose his job over this.  
Nah, he needed this, just this one time. It wasn´t because he wasn´t feeling great at the moment, he just needed to relax.  
Right?

Harvey was so consumed in his thoughts that he didn´t notice that they were already at his appartment.  
´Ehm, are you going to get out sir, or should I drive you somewhere else?´  
´Oh ehm sorry Ray, this is fine. I will see you tommorow.´  
Harvey got out of the car and stepped into the building. In the elevator he was having doubts about the whole smoking weed thing. Was it a good idea?  
The sound that the elevator had arrived snapped him out of his thoughts.

He got in his appartment and crashed on the couch. He had asked the coffeecart guy for a pre-rolled joint. Rolling a joint was a skill he hadden´t used for a fairly long time.  
Ofcourse he would be able to pull it of, but this time he didn´t want to wait that long. He just wanted to get high, right now preferably.  
He got the joint out of the pocket and got his lighter from his kitchendrawer. He glanced at the kitchen knife. Not tonight!  
He lighted up the joint and let the smoke fill his lungs. He felt the marihuana getting in his bloodstream and felt the effect it had.  
Damn, he needed this! He forgot how good it felt. Just to able to relax and give in to the sensation. Giving in wasn´t something he did often, but boy did it felt good.  
After half the joint he was sure that he would conquer this, this fear of Reginald. He could conquer it and he would. He was sure of it!

He smoked the entire joint and was totally ready to pass out on the couch when his phone rang. Damn it, who could it be it was 23:30. Ofcourse he already knew the answer, it was Mike.  
He decided to ignore the call. If it was important it would have to wait until morning because of the drugs there was no way he would be able to do anything right now, besides sleeping.  
Getting comfortable on this couch was not that easy, and he still wore his suit, which would be totally ruined in the morning if he slept in it. He would have to get up and change in his comfortable clothes: A XXL shirt and jogging pants. Harvey debated with himself wether he would watch TV or if he would just go to bed. He wasn´t that tired but stoned as a shrimp.  
TV sounded good, so he turned on the TV got an bowl of M&M´s and sat himself down.  
The phone rang again. Damn it Mike. He clicked ignore again. 

He was almost dozing of in front of the TV when the bell rang. Shit, it was midnight, he was high and was in no mood for anyone to be at his door. He could just ignore it, yes he would ignore it. He lay down again. Man he was tired. The bell rang again. Fuck, why? He did not want to get up, nevertheless he did. He walked to the door and felt the effects of the drug in his body. He enjoyed it for a moment, it felt good to be nummed in one way or another. Right now he needed to snap out of it, he had to act normal. He took a deep breath and walked the last two meters to the door. The bell rang again when he had his hand on the doorknob. He swung the door open, ´What the fuck do you want?´. He looked at the face across of him. Ofcourse it was Mike, fuck.

´Hey, sorry Harvey I know its late and you wanted a night off, but I just heared from the D.A.'s office. Things are not looking good´.  
´Mike we´ll deal with this in the morning´ only thinking about the case they were working on made his head hurt like hell.  
´Harvey you don´t look so well, are you okay?´.  
´Yeah just tired you know, was finally sleeping when you decided to almost murder my doorbell´.  
´Look Harvey I am sorry but this is important!´.  
´Mike I can´t do anything about it now, I am to tired, tomorrow I promise´  
´Okay Harvey, get some rest you really do not look good´. Mike glanced at Harvey´s arm. ´What did you do?´ pointing at Harvey´s arm.  
Shit. He forgot he wore short sleeves. He felt his face becomming as red as an tomato. Shit, how was he going to explain this?  
´Ehm I sliced my arm while cooking, it´s okay I cleaned it, it doesn´t hurt that much´. Please buy it, please don´t ask more questions...  
´Yeah happens to me all the time as well, I´ll see you tommorow okay´  
Relief came over him, he suddenly noticed that he was holding his breath all the time.  
´See ya tommorow Mike, get some rest´  
He closed the door. That was way to close. 

Mike walked through the halway. Harvey did not look good. If he didn´t knew better he´d say he looked stoned. But not Harvey right?  
If someone recognised the symptons it should be him, but Harvey hated drugs. So why did he have the feeling that Harvey was indeed high?  
Nevermind, tommorow big things were going to happen with the case. He understood that Harvey didn´t want to do this right now, but he didn´t know how bad it was.  
There was no way they could win this case, not anymore. Harvey was in for a suprise in the morning. 

Back in the appartment Harvey was finally in bed, thinking about the last few days. He was okay, he knew he would not see Reginald again, he could not hurt him.  
Harvey was ready to get back to the normal life, no more drugs, no more cutting, no more fear. With that thought he fell into a deep long dreamless sleep.

Five hours later Harvey woke up, it was 6 in the morning and he felt great! He slept like a baby. He thought about what Mike said, about the case not looking good. Well he would have to deal with that now, shouldn´t be too hard for the best closer in NYC! Maybe a little bit too overconvident he got out of bed.   
An hour later he was in the car with Ray, they stopped to get coffee and now they were on their way to the office. It was only a 10 minute ride, but Harvey enjoyed it. It gave him the time to look at the busy streets of New York, most people were on their way to work. God he loved this city. They were almost at the office when Harvey saw something bright red in the corner of his eye. Naturally his gaze was drawn to it. It was a bright red cap, on it was the logo of the football team Harvey used to play for back in highschool, the red tigers. How funny he thought to himself, but then he looked at the man underneath the cap.

Shit.

Reginald.

It couldn´t be.

What the fuck was he doing so close to Harvey´s office?  
Was it a coincidence?

No. no. no. no.

It all came flashing back again and it triggerd a panick attack. He couldn´t breath. Not again! He was loosening his tie in an attempt to get more air, but failed misserably.  
Oh man, what if Reginald was here for a reason? What if it wasn´t a coincidence?   
He shouldn´t allow himself to think like that...

They arrived at the office. Harvey was still breathing heavily. Ray opened his door. He felt the fresh air, it helped a bit, but he still had trouble breathing. 

\----- To Be Continued -------

**Author's Note:**

> That was it, I hope that the next chapter will be on by the day after tommorow, but I can't make any promisses...


End file.
